A Familiar Road

How do you process something you hoped you’d never have to walk through….again?

I don’t know the answer to that, but our family is walking this road. With uncertainty, confusion, frustration, sadness, and brokenness, we are mourning the loss of another baby.

This week we were going to announce that we were expecting another sweet baby in April 2017. Adalynn was SO excited to be big sister. You could ask her “where’s the baby?” and she would immediately point to my belly. We had told all of our family, all the friends we came into contact with, and all of Matt’s coworkers.

jwp-renney-11

Little did we know that a couple of months after sharing the exciting news that we would also have to deliver sad news. On Monday I went in for our 12 week appointment. I went by myself because we had already heard the heartbeat twice and thought we were in the clear. Part of me was a little anxious about going to the appointment by myself, but the Lord clearly told me on Sunday morning as I was thinking about it “Do not fear, for I am with you,” and I realized in that moment I wouldn’t be alone. My friend Chelsea was keeping Adalynn for me, so it really was just me and the Lord. I had such peace. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the doctor, getting our financial outline for payments and hospital costs/delivery/etc., all I felt was peace. My worry had wasted away and I was able to rest and wait. As I sat in the back room waiting for my doctor to come in, I was reading through Proverbs 3, part of the devotion from my Bible in a Year plan, and these verses stuck out to me:

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord will all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

I was ready to get the appointment over with and share the good news with the world. But God had other plans. My doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat…all you could hear was my own. We went to the ultrasound room and I knew right away. The baby hadn’t grown. There was no flicker on the screen and no sound coming from it’s little body. The Lord Jesus was holding our baby.

I will never understand why. I will never “get over” the hurt. We now have more babies in heaven than we have on earth. Somehow we have to try to help our almost 2 year old understand that her baby brother or sister is with Jesus instead of mommy’s tummy. But let me say this loud and clear: God gives GRACE. This pain is so raw and so real, and there are so many questions. There are so many moments where I feel angry and hurt that the Lord would take us on this path again. But He can handle all my feelings and is holding us so tightly in this. We are so unbelievably sad. My husband is grieving. Our family and friends are shocked and probably very uncertain about how to talk about this with us. It’s a messy place. But of this I am certain: This pain will not be wasted. The bigger picture is eternity. This life is so short and so small on the grand scale of things. Our babies are better off than if they had had to endure this sin-ridden world. We WILL see them one day again because Jesus took our sins upon Himself, nailing them to the cross, and conquered death. Because of His resurrection, death does not win. Our babies are ALIVE and well, enjoying the presence of Jesus. Having loved ones in heaven makes it so much more real. It is not an imaginary place of far-fetched ideas and fluffy clouds…it is HOME. And I know I can’t wait to be there.

I just want to say thank you to my friend, Brittany Price, who through her grief of losing her husband, obediently wrote the music that is ministering to my soul so deeply right now. Thank you to the Body of Christ that has swept in and taken us to the throne of grace in prayer, the countless people who have offered to make meals and watch Adalynn so we can rest and process. Each one of you has blessed us tremendously. We know we are loved, and by the way you are honoring our little one’s life, we are blessed.

These pictures are from an announcement photo shoot we did last weekend. It hurts to have this physical reminder of what no longer will be, but I am thankful for the joy on our faces and the fun we had taking them. Thank you Jess Wal Photography for capturing a sweet time for our family.

jwp-renney-14 jwp-renney-17 jwp-renney-18

Please continue to lift us up in the weeks and months to come. I have to have surgery this week and from what I remember from last time, recovery isn’t fun. I’m leaning into Jesus and trusting Him. He is good and kind and worthy to be praised.

jwp-renney-9

Comments

  1. Linda P Jones says:

    Crimson,

    You amaze me! The love, trust, hope and faith that you have in Jesus – in good times and bad – is such an inspiration to others. I know nothing can take away the pain and loss you are feeling but God can make beauty from ashes and He is evidently using YOU to do that right now. Many lives have been and will continue to be touched and blessed by your faithfulness and honesty. My heart is breaking and I have tears streaming down my face, but I know God will give you all you need in the days ahead.

    I did smile when I read the sentence, “Having loved ones in heaven makes it so much more real.” I grieve so often that PawPaw isn’t here on earth to enjoy his grandchildren but it made me happy to think he is in Heaven enjoying his GREAT-grands! Your babies are surrounded by love… and in the presence of the author of LOVE, Himself! How much better could it get?

    I love you.
    Aunt Linda

    • Crimson says:

      Aunt Linda, I’m just now seeing your comment. What an encouragement to me it is. Thank you so much for your empathy and your prayers. They are truly precious to me. And I love the thought of PawPaw playing with his great grandkids! I had never thought about it like that before but it is so sweet. Love you so much!

  2. KAREN ARMSTRONG says:

    SO VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS

  3. Beautifully written! Our hearts are doubly broken with the loss of our grandbaby and to see our children hurting so much! Trusting in the Lord and His word from Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

  4. Joyce Anne Skinner says:

    Crimson, your words beautifully share your thoughts, pain and emotions, and thankfulness. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I’m walking a journey now that I would not chose as well. Thank you for the reminder and realization that we are never alone. I am praying for your full recovery physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

    • Crimson says:

      Thank you so much Joyce Anne. Your encouragement and prayers are precious to me. Please know that I am praying for you as well as you go through your trying circumstances. Your joy through it all is a testament of Jesus!

  5. Renee says:

    Praying for the peace that passes all understanding. I’ve traveled the path as well and it hurts yet there is grace that is with your every step of the journey.

    • Crimson says:

      Thank you so much for your encouragement, Renee. I’m sorry to hear you are familiar with this pain but thankful we don’t have to go through it alone! God is so faithful.

  6. Susan Lidh Brown says:

    So sad to hear about your loss. Praying for your sweet family!

    Susan Lidh Brown

  7. Marlene Bowman says:

    God bless you in this very trying time. The Bowmans will be lifting you through this and send love and hugs.

  8. I am so sorry. May God easy your pain.

  9. kdpakin@gmail.com says:

    So sorry for such a hard loss. What beautiful words she wrote out of such sadness. What a testimony of grace! We will be praying for all of you!

    • Crimson says:

      I’m just now seeing the comments on this post. Thank you so much for your prayers and your encouragement! God is faithful.

Leave a Reply