Hannah

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It’s been one month since we announced that we lost our second baby. This past month has been filled with all sorts of emotions. Grief is a very hard thing to explain, especially when it’s a silent grief that no one knows or sees the effects of but you. This is why I share my story. This is why I open up. There are countless women out there who have lost children due to miscarriage that silently suffer. They don’t know how to talk about it, they don’t want to make other people feel awkward, and often outsiders just don’t know how to handle the subject. So it becomes “easier” for everyone else if we just don’t mention it too much. But I have had so many ladies reach out to me thanking me for sharing our story because it has put words to some of their innermost thoughts that they didn’t know how to express. It has helped them know they’re not alone. So I will continue to put our journey out there. I will continue to try to offer encouragement and hope, when all feels hopeless and wasted.

I really debated sharing this publicly for fear of how it would be received. Would other people think it was weird? Would they think I was dwelling too much on our loss? Will they think I’m holding onto something too tightly and in an unhealthy way? I don’t know. I don’t know how it will be received, but I know that I want to put this out there. I want to let others know that it is okay to walk your grief path in the way that YOU need to, not the way that society expects you to. So with that, I want to tell you about our second daughter, Hannah.

We found out we lost Hannah on October 10th, one month ago. At the time, we didn’t know she was a little girl. We just knew we had prayed for a child, the Lord had answered, and then the Lord took her away. It hurt. It caused so many questions, so much doubt, and so much confusion. For someone who grew up in church and with a biblical foundation and loved Jesus with all of her heart, I found myself surprised by how much I was struggling with the goodness and character of God. It’s humbling to even type that for others to read because it often feels shameful to have such doubts, but they have been real and raw, and I’m sure I’m not alone in the questions. See, I’ve known this whole time that God is good and His ways are higher in my HEAD knowledge of the Lord, but it was having a very hard time transferring to my heart and my belief. I felt like there was a roadblock between my head and my heart and I didn’t know how to demolish it. So many prayers, so many tears, so much wrestling with Scripture and conversations with my husband that left me grieving more. I wanted to believe the truth, but it was still SO HARD. More often than not, we have many “why’s?” that we asked God. “Why did you answer our prayers for a baby?”, “Why did you let me believe everything would go as planned?”, “Why did you take this baby so soon?” “Why would you put us through this twice?” —and the list goes on and on. And God, in His sovereignty doesn’t always give us answers to those questions. He builds our faith on His character, on His track record, on His goodness, His faithfulness, His mercy, His provision. He gives us Jesus, and that is ALL we ever need.

But the sweet Lord knew that my heart needed just one of those why’s answered. He knew it would build my faith in Him more this time to give me one answer than to leave me questioning.

At the time of finding out we lost our baby, my doctor asked me if we wanted to do chromosomal testing. My initial thought was, “What good will that do? It doesn’t bring the baby back and it’s not like knowing what happened with this one will prevent a future miscarriage. We can’t control anything so what’s the point in finding out?” But on faith, we said we would have it done, just seeking some sort of answers. Three weeks went by with no explanation and then I received the call. My doctor told me that they DID find something, which turned out to be what brought the peace from God that passes all understanding. She explained to me that our baby was a little girl who was missing a vital chromosome for normal healthy life functions. She would have to receive medical intervention for the entirety of her life. It was then that I KNEW, deep in my heart, that the Lord had been gracious to her. He saved her from a life of severe medical conditions and ushered her into heaven perfectly healed and whole. He chose to heal her sooner rather than later, and for that I am grateful. If her heart had continued beating and she continued to grow in my womb, we would embrace every part of her condition with open arms. We would love her unconditionally despite all of it. Yet, God’s foreknowledge wanted to give her what was BEST -right now- , and now she is enjoying the presence of Jesus, a gift we are HONORED to give her even though our hearts wanted her here with us. We decided to name her Hannah, because it means God is gracious. He was gracious to allow her to be spared of this sin-filled world and immediately be where we all long to be. In the Bible, Hannah live a very unpleasant life for the majority of her time on earth, but through her bitter circumstances, her life produced a son that changed the course of history. Her pain led to even greater joy. We know that if we hadn’t lost our first baby we wouldn’t have Adalynn. If we hadn’t lost Hannah, we wouldn’t know the joy that is to come. It is through trials and suffering that we understand joy and grace so much more clearly. If we never experienced valleys, we wouldn’t know or appreciate the mountain tops.

Does God always give us answers to our why’s? No, He doesn’t. And He may never answer any of my others. At least not all of them. But even if we had never found out details about Hannah’s life, God knew what He was doing. He knew he was sparing her life. He knew he was protecting her. And if we walk this familiar road again one day and never find a reason for any future losses, whether they be children or anything else, we can rest in the fact that God knows exactly what He’s doing, and we don’t have to. It doesn’t take away the pain, and grief is still very much real; but we can rest in the truth of our Savior and in His deep, abiding love for us.

So if you have walked this road, are walking it currently, or find yourself a member of this club in the future, please know you’re not alone. God cares about all of your questions. He is big enough to handle all of your feelings, even if they are too embarrassing to admit to other people. He sees you and He is not going to waste your tears. Walk through your grief. Get to know the Lord in the midst of it. See Him for who He is when you’re at your most vulnerable state. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

Love you all. Thank you for loving us so well.

Comments

  1. Melissa says:

    Beautifully written, thank you for sharing!

  2. Amy Leigh says:

    Wow….. Circumstances may be TOTALLY different but I want you to know that this resonated with me. My struggle has been real. Some for people to see and so much more behind closed doors. I know Gods truth but the mind heart connection hasn’t been there. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse a different perspective. I’m still working on things but your honesty and faith gives me hope…..xoxo Amy Leigh

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