A Familiar Road

How do you process something you hoped you’d never have to walk through….again?

I don’t know the answer to that, but our family is walking this road. With uncertainty, confusion, frustration, sadness, and brokenness, we are mourning the loss of another baby.

This week we were going to announce that we were expecting another sweet baby in April 2017. Adalynn was SO excited to be big sister. You could ask her “where’s the baby?” and she would immediately point to my belly. We had told all of our family, all the friends we came into contact with, and all of Matt’s coworkers.

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Little did we know that a couple of months after sharing the exciting news that we would also have to deliver sad news. On Monday I went in for our 12 week appointment. I went by myself because we had already heard the heartbeat twice and thought we were in the clear. Part of me was a little anxious about going to the appointment by myself, but the Lord clearly told me on Sunday morning as I was thinking about it “Do not fear, for I am with you,” and I realized in that moment I wouldn’t be alone. My friend Chelsea was keeping Adalynn for me, so it really was just me and the Lord. I had such peace. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the doctor, getting our financial outline for payments and hospital costs/delivery/etc., all I felt was peace. My worry had wasted away and I was able to rest and wait. As I sat in the back room waiting for my doctor to come in, I was reading through Proverbs 3, part of the devotion from my Bible in a Year plan, and these verses stuck out to me:

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord will all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

I was ready to get the appointment over with and share the good news with the world. But God had other plans. My doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat…all you could hear was my own. We went to the ultrasound room and I knew right away. The baby hadn’t grown. There was no flicker on the screen and no sound coming from it’s little body. The Lord Jesus was holding our baby.

I will never understand why. I will never “get over” the hurt. We now have more babies in heaven than we have on earth. Somehow we have to try to help our almost 2 year old understand that her baby brother or sister is with Jesus instead of mommy’s tummy. But let me say this loud and clear: God gives GRACE. This pain is so raw and so real, and there are so many questions. There are so many moments where I feel angry and hurt that the Lord would take us on this path again. But He can handle all my feelings and is holding us so tightly in this. We are so unbelievably sad. My husband is grieving. Our family and friends are shocked and probably very uncertain about how to talk about this with us. It’s a messy place. But of this I am certain: This pain will not be wasted. The bigger picture is eternity. This life is so short and so small on the grand scale of things. Our babies are better off than if they had had to endure this sin-ridden world. We WILL see them one day again because Jesus took our sins upon Himself, nailing them to the cross, and conquered death. Because of His resurrection, death does not win. Our babies are ALIVE and well, enjoying the presence of Jesus. Having loved ones in heaven makes it so much more real. It is not an imaginary place of far-fetched ideas and fluffy clouds…it is HOME. And I know I can’t wait to be there.

I just want to say thank you to my friend, Brittany Price, who through her grief of losing her husband, obediently wrote the music that is ministering to my soul so deeply right now. Thank you to the Body of Christ that has swept in and taken us to the throne of grace in prayer, the countless people who have offered to make meals and watch Adalynn so we can rest and process. Each one of you has blessed us tremendously. We know we are loved, and by the way you are honoring our little one’s life, we are blessed.

These pictures are from an announcement photo shoot we did last weekend. It hurts to have this physical reminder of what no longer will be, but I am thankful for the joy on our faces and the fun we had taking them. Thank you Jess Wal Photography for capturing a sweet time for our family.

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Please continue to lift us up in the weeks and months to come. I have to have surgery this week and from what I remember from last time, recovery isn’t fun. I’m leaning into Jesus and trusting Him. He is good and kind and worthy to be praised.

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Nine Months Old |Adalynn Grace

(*disclaimer: I wrote out her 7 month blog post in a word document and somehow it didn’t save! 🙁 So then of course I planned on doing her 8 month one and that’s when she started getting super active so it didn’t happen then either. I’m really sad about it, but here’s to hopefully getting back on track and finish out her first year strong! Who can believe my baby’s almost a year old?! I don’t even want to talk about it.)

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9 MONTHS

Weight: 

15 lbs 15 oz. – 7th percentile! Still gaining, even though it’s slow!

Height: 

26.6 inches – 51st percentile

(The following pictures are when we were still having bouts with eczema when she was 6-7 months old…praise the Lord its completely cleared from her face now and almost completely cleared from her legs!)

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Happy First Father’s Day Daddy!
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This bear has brought more joy to her life than I even knew was possible. She attacks it with snuggles and wrestles it to the ground.

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Hanging out with Nonna while we went to the Braves game with Matt’s family. I think it’s safe to say they had a good time!

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These are the most recent pictures taken right around 9 months to catch us up to speed! Pointing at everything, needing to see and touch whatever she can get her hands on, and always exploring. Such a fun age!

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Sleep: 

Sleeping through the night every night! Praise the Lord in heaven above. She started around 7 months. She usually wakes up between 6:15-6:30. Every once in a while she’ll wake up around 5:45 am but will go right back to sleep. She’s working her way down to 2 naps a day and does pretty well with that. Just depends on what time she wakes up. Goes to bed between 7:30/7:45 every night.

Eating: 

At the start of 9 months we finally moved her down to only 4 nursings a day, every 4-4.5 hours. It has been a much needed change for both of us! She inhales 3 solid meals a day of pretty much whatever I will give her: sweet potato, oatmeal, avocado, bananas (her favorite), blueberries, peas, carrots, broccoli, chicken, pasta, pumpkin, squash, zucchini, watermelon, cantaloupe.

Diapers: 

Size 3 comfortably

Clothing: 

6 month pajamas, 6-9 month clothes, and 9 month onesies.

Mood: 

A very happy girl. Content, chill, and an observer. She likes to take it all in. She laugh and smiles constantly. She loves to be flown around the house, tickled, and surprised. She’s starting to get timid around strangers and just snuggles mama closely when they’re around. It’s kind of the best.

Loves:

  • When Daddy comes home in the evenings. She straight up SCREAMS in delight.
  • Stuffed animals. She has one giant bear that we named “Mr. Snuggles” and she literally wrestles him to the ground. She also loves baby dolls and snuggles them the same way.
  • Pointing and saying “dot.”
  • Looking at and exploring everything. She is so curious these days.
  • Knocking down blocks
  • Eating
  • The coffee pot. Girl knows whats up.
  • When we look back at her in the mirror in the car.
  • Reading and turning the pages on her board books.
  • Looking at the monitor camera.
  • Her aden+anais swaddle blankets
  • The “itsy bitsy spider” and playing “this little piggy”
  • “Chasing” me around the house. Matt holds her tummy down in the air and leads her face first to chase me through the house. Then we turn around and I “chase” her. She screams and laughs the entire time without fail.

Doesn’t Love: 

  • Putting on her pajamas/changing clothes.
  • Being in the car for long periods of time.
  • Staying up past her bedtime.

Milestones:

  • Went to the beach for the first time in July. She absolutely LOVED it.
  • Starting crawling on her tummy. Hasn’t made it to her knees yet but she gets wherever she wants to go.
  • Got her first tooth (now 2 teeth!) on 6.18.15 when she was 7.5 months old. Two middle bottom teeth.
  • Says “dada” and “dot” constantly
  • Pointing

Looking Forward To:

Every day. She changes so quickly these days that I don’t want to wish away any time. The biggest thing I’m completely ready for is her saying “Mama.”

What I Want to Remember: 

  • The first time she willingly laid her head down on my shoulder to go to sleep. She just wanted to snuggle and I cried.
  • Her crinkly nose smile. She cheeses on purpose these days and is going to be a complete ham.
  • How she loves her blankies when she goes to sleep.
  • The way she touches and pats Matt’s face (his pick!)

 

Seven & Eight Months Old | Adalynn Grace

 I wrote out her 7 month post and then it accidentally got deleted. Skipped the 8 month because I got so busy 🙁 But at least I still took the pictures!

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Six Months Old | Adalynn Grace

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Weight: 

14 lbs – 13th percentile

Height: 

25.75 inches – 52nd percentile

Sleep: 

Making progress! She is completely out of the swaddle now and sleeping SO much better! Most nights she only wakes up once. Then we have the occasional night where she’ll sleep 11 hours. Then the occasional night where she sleeps for 4 hours straight and then decides waking up every 20-30 minutes for the REST OF THE NIGHT is a good idea. No. Not a good idea, child.

Eating: 

Nursing every 3-3.5 hours and we’ve officially started solids! She’s had avocado, sweet potato, and prunes (for helping all of it out!). She has loved the avocado and sweet potato. She’ll eat the prunes but it takes a bit more convincing.

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Diapers: 

Size 2 comfortably

Clothing: 

She still is wearing 3 months in most things and can fit in 3-6 month sleepers. I put her in a 6 month onesie and leggings today and they were a little baggy, but not bad.

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Mood: 

She is still the sweetest baby in the world. She smiles at everyone and just loves playing, laughing, talking, and being with people. She loves going places where she sees people and is the life of the party. She is seriously happy most of the time.

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Loves:

She loves so many things. Such a sweet baby.

Seeing me pull the boppy out–she knows exactly what it means!

When Matt gets her up in the morning. They have a special morning routine and it melts this Mama’s heart every day.

Being held so that she can look out.

Eating whatever we will give her.

Smiling big smiles

This little lion that attaches to one of her play mats. She flails her arms and gets wide eyes whenever I give it to her.

Playing in her exersaucer and having her own space–for a max of about 20 minutes.

Playing with her feet

Reading books

Rolling over to her tummy

Watching me get ready

Talking, which has lately turned into squealing and screaming, which is hilarious.

A teal heart-shaped teether that we give her in the carseat

Playing patty cake and itsy bitsy spider

Standing on anything– the floor, tables, our laps, etc.

Having her collar bone tickled

Watching me do handstands. She laughs hysterically.

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Doesn’t Love: 

Staying up past her nap time/bedtime.

When we put lotion on her face

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Milestones:

Making more consonant sounds these days.

Her first sleepover at Nonna and Papa’s house!

Starting solids

Her first time in the church nursery! They said she did awesome and didn’t cry at all. She was sleeping when I went to go pick her up…so precious.

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Looking Forward To:

Her being able to sit up on her own- she is SO close! It will happen soon.

Giving us kisses, learning how to high-5, learning how to clap!

Going to the lake with my family over Memorial Day weekend. It will be Adalynn’s first time at the lake house and swimming!

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What I Want to Remember: 

Her big dimply smile

The way she cracks up over the silliest things and will keep laughing for 30 minutes.

The way she always crosses her legs at her ankles

The way she clasps her hands together pulled right up to her chest like she’s about to pray–haha

The couple of times she’s fallen asleep while I’m rocking her right before bedtime. It is the sweetest thing in the world and if I could freeze time in that moment I would.

Cheering on Daddy at the last lacrosse game of the season, wearing her Grizzly gear of course!

On her 6 month birthday we went to our friend Everly’s birthday party and she talked to everyone there. It was the first time I feel like she wasn’t shy in a big group of people.

The way she smiles at Matt.

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Five Months Old | Adalynn Grace


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Weight: 

Not sure, but we’ll find out at her 6 month appointment. All I know is girl is getting heavier and mommy needs to hit the weights.

Height: 

We will find out at her 6 month appointment!

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Sleep: 

Sleep is slowly but surely getting better! Just in the last 10 days or so we have started giving her a little bit of avocado before bed to try to help her tummy stay full all night long. I’ve also started giving her a bottle before bed so that I know for sure she’s getting enough and I don’t have to second guess in the middle of the night. But as of April 9th (because I’m late writing this blog) she is practically sleeping through the night with one wake up but all it takes is a little fussing/going and giving her her paci and she falls right back to sleep for the rest of the night. *Except when we put her down later than her bedtime at 7:30/7:45. If she goes down late, she has an awful nights sleep and doesn’t nap well during the day either. Bedtime is a PRIORITY in our house. Still swaddling, but we’re transitioning out with one arm unswaddled right now.

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Eating: 

Still EBF except with about a tablespoon of avocado at night before bed. Her doctor recommended waiting till 6 months for solids since she has eczema. Apparently eczema, asthma, and allergies are all related, so if she has one, she’s more likely to develop food allergies if food is introduced too early. I don’t understand it, but I’m going with it since she’s the doctor and I’m not.

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Diapers: 

Size 2–finally moved up!

Clothing: 

Our petite girl is still fitting in 3 month clothes comfortably. I’m not going to lie, I kind of love it.

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Mood: 

Very happy baby. I feel like she just loves life and loves people. She’s going through a bit of a separation anxiety if she can’t see me, but if I’m anywhere in her line of sight she’s fine. She laughs often this days and they are full belly chuckles that are literally the best thing in the world. The most random stuff makes her laugh, like pointing at her foot and tossing hangers in the air. Who knew?

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Loves:

She loves so many things. Such a sweet baby.

Mommy and Daddy

Snuggling

Going to bed early. We had her at a 8:30 bedtime and she has fought us to make it earlier. 7:30/7:45 it is, girlfriend!

Eating avocado. She tries to eat whatever we are eating and I feel so bad turning her down! Her time will come.

Smiling big smiles

Her new Exersaucer! She can stand on her own in it and chew on all her toys.

Speaking of chewing, she puts EVERYTHING in her mouth and is drool central.

Being naked

Reading books

Sucking on her first two fingers

Playing on her tummy

Watching me get ready

When we reach a stop light and I turn around and look at her in the mirror. She gives the BIGGEST smile every single time and it is the best thing ever.

Looking out the car window

Talking, talking, talking.

Ellie her little elephant, always goes with us in the carseat.

We also have her carseat toy that we don’t attach but just put in her lap while we’re in the car and she LOVES it.

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Doesn’t Love: 

Staying up past her nap time/bedtime.

Being hot. She would rather be naked most of the day.

Being too far away from me or Matt.

Annnnnd that’s about it!

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Milestones:

Practically sleeping through the night! (First time was around April 2, 2015)

Rolling from back to tummy (March 17, 2015)

Eating with a spoon and keeping the food in her mouth!

Her first pedicure! (MUCH harder in execution than in theory).

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Looking Forward To:

Her being able to sit up on her own because I think she’ll have so much more fun during play time.

Starting more solids because I know she’s going to LOVE it.

Her sleeping completely unswaddled and still sleeping through the night.

Giving us kisses, learning how to high-5, learning how to clap!

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What I Want to Remember: 

Her big dimply smile

Her belly laugh

When she lets me tickle her collar bone and dies laughing from it

The time I tried to go in and wake her up from a nap and she just held my hand while she continued to sleep.

Her constant talking and grunting. It’s loud and hilarious.

The way she sucks on her bottom lip right now. It make her cheeks extra droopy and its adorable.

Going to the playground for the first time! She had no idea where she was but Matt and I had fun 🙂

Her first Easter! We had to go on Saturday to buy her a new dress because all the dresses that we received before she was born were WAY too big because she is so small! She mostly just stared at her stuff ($1 finds at the Dollar Tree and a book we already had! Haha) but we had a great day with family and celebrating new life in Jesus!

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Four Months Old | Adalynn Grace

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Weight:  12 lbs 1 oz. This makes her in the 19th percentile! Tiny girl!

Height:  24.75 inches. A tall girl in the 71st percentile! IMG_3314 Sleep:  This has been a challenge. She is napping SO much better than she was a month ago. She usually takes two 45 minute naps and two 1.5 hour naps. Although lately most of her naps have been around the 1-1.5 hour mark! Nighttime however, is a different story. She’s going to bed around 8:00/8:30 and will usually sleep until at least 1:00 or 2:00. Sometimes she’ll sleep till 3:00 or 4:00. But for a few days over the last week she was waking up 5+ times at night, every single hour. It was absolutely EXHAUSTING. But the past couple of nights she has only been waking up 2-3 times so hopefully we’re on our way to just once again. I’d love to hope that sleeping through the night is around the corner, but we shall see. IMG_3302   IMG_3312 Eating:  She is eating great, still on a 3 hour schedule. I know the schedule is going to have to change soon, but I have no idea how I’m going to go about doing that.

Diapers:  Still in size 1! Haha this girl is so small and I love it. She should be in size 2 in a week or two.

Clothing:  Finally able to wear most 3 month clothes. Some are still a little big on her, but she’s able to wear them comfortably. She can still fit in some 0-3 month sizes but we are officially completely out of newborn 🙂 IMG_3252_2 Mood:  She is generally a very happy baby. She is very content to sit or lay quietly and watch the world around her. She still curls up and smiles whenever she is smiled at and it is the most precious thing in the world. If I could bottle that up and keep it forever I would. A few nights ago she decided that crying would be fun for a change and she was completely inconsolable for about 45 minutes. Nothing worked. But we ended up just putting her to bed an hour early and she was fine the next day. She has had a few rough days here and there since then, but I can’t complain because the girl rarely cries. Matt said that it was the most he had heard her cry, ever, and that is probably true. IMG_3284_2 Loves: She loves so many things. Such a sweet baby.

  • Being snuggled
  • Mommy and Daddy
  • Blankets…LOVES blankets. She will play with them over anything else.
  • Bath time -Playing “this little piggy”
  • Playing “airplane” with her daddy
  • Talking to herself -Her swing
  • Toys that crinkle and crunch
  • When we read books
  • When we help her stand up
  • Sitting in your lap and looking out, observing everything
  • Still loves her kick-n-play piano
  • Having her diaper changed
  • When we go in to wake her up and start to unswaddle her, she gets SO excited
  • Her paci.
  • When I sing a silly song I made up for her. I’ll spare the world 😉
  • Eating her hands/touching her face
  • Watching mommy get ready. She loves to watch me brush my hair, blow dry my hair, and put on makeup. She literally lays in her rock and play and just stares at me the whole time. I think we might have a girly girl on our hands!

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  • She has mild eczema on her face and she used to HATE when we would put lotion on. She would cry the whole time. But she has gotten better about that.
  • Staying up past her nap time/bedtime.
  • Being hot. She would rather be naked most of the day.
  • When people get too close. She loves people, but she definitely likes her space. She does not like it when people get in her face.

IMG_3201 Looking Forward To: Of course, I’m looking forward to her sleeping through the night. That’s probably number 1 right now. But I’m also looking forward to all the things she’s going to be learning in the next couple of months. I’m not really feeling emotional (hormonal) about her not being a newborn anymore because I know it’s just going to get more and more fun. She is already so much fun to play with and I can only imagine how much better it will get as she grows. IMG_3217 What I Want to Remember: Everything! I feel like I’m constantly trying to file things away in my brain so that I don’t forget them.

  • The way she loves to be snuggled right now. I know that won’t last forever.
  • Her little squeaks and squeals when she’s super happy.
  • The way she stops crying and calms down just by me holding her.
  • The way she crinkles her nose when she laughs.
  • The way she will play with my hand
  • How her eyes will follow Matt around the room. No matter where he goes or what he does, she finds him and locks in.
  • Her first snow. It was so much fun for me and Matt. Adalynn didn’t seem to care too much. But good grief how cute is she in this adorable snow suit?!

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Three Months Old | Adalynn Grace

I can’t believe it, but my baby is 3 months old!

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Weight: Not sure but I’m guessing around 11.5 lbs. She doesn’t gain very quickly. At 2 months she was in the 23% for her age.

Height: Also not sure, but at 2 months she was 23.25 and in the 86th % for her age. A tall skinny girl? Where did that come from?

Sleep: She is stuck on 45 minute naps during the day when they should be an hour and a half. Sometime she’ll surprise me with a longer one, but it’s definitely the exception. At night she is sleeping 5-6 hours straight, wakes for a feeding around 3:30 or 4, and then goes back to sleep until 6:30 or 7. We’re working on dropping that middle of the night feeding but its definitely hard. She still wakes up at that time and has a super difficult time going back to sleep.

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Eating: She eats every 3 hours (except at night).

Diapers: Moved up to size 1 this month! Yes, she’s tiny. But these are fitting her quite nicely these days. We should be in them for a while.

Clothing: Believe it or not, she can still wear SOME newborn clothes. Mostly only onesies or pants, but definitely not sleepers. She is way too long for them. We’re in 0-3 months consistently. She wears some 3 month clothes, but they swallow her.

Mood: She is truly a very happy baby. She smiles at everyone who smiles at her and she curls up in excitement. She really only gets upset when she’s hungry or tired. But that’s understandable. We all do that.

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Loves:

-People. She loves smiling at everyone and would rather play with people than any toy she’s got. Especially her daddy. She can always find him and lights up when he comes home.

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-Being held and snuggled.

-Her kick-n-play piano. We have a routine that she’ll play on it in the mornings while I make my breakfast and coffee and she has the time of her life.

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-Bathtime. She smiles and laughs the whole time. She has loved bath time since she was born.

-Playing with blankets. I’ll just throw one on her lap and she gets so excited.

-Reading her Jesus Storybook Bible. Seriously. Whenever we lay on the floor together and I whip it above our heads to read it out loud, she starts giggling and can’t keep her eyes off the pages.

-Being swaddled for naps and bedtime.

-Her paci. We don’t give it to her all the time but she does love it, and I’m so glad.

Doesn’t Love:

-Tummy time longer than 5-10 minutes.

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-Having to wait to finish eating while I’m switching sides. Drama. Queen.

-When we make her wait till 7am to get her up.

-Sleeping longer than 45 minutes at nap time.

What I Want to Remember:

-The way she rubs her face on my shoulder all the time.

-Her precious little sneezes. Usually two in a row, like her daddy.

-How she sometimes acts shy when people are talking to her. If I’m holding her, she hides her face in my shoulder and it’s adorable.

-Her bunny hands while she eats. She pulls her fists up and keeps them on both sides of her cheeks the entire time.

-The way she stretches when we unswaddle her.

-The way she occasionally will fall asleep on me after she nurses. Bad habits, but I don’t care. It’s worth it. These days are fleeting and I won’t be able to get them back.

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-Her belly laugh. I’m hoping this one just continues forever.

Looking Forward To:

-Her sleeping through the night. We’re going to try tummy sleeping soon to see if that helps.

-Being able to make her belly laugh on command. She’s done it a handful of times but she makes us work really hard to get her there and it’s never guaranteed.

-Her responding when we say her name and her becoming ticklish. She smiles when we try to tickle her now, but no laughing yet.

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I don’t know how it could get any better, but everyone says it does. I just know that we love this little girl and it’s a privilege being her parents.

Baby Saoirse – 3 months

Time flies in the life of a newborn! Just 3 months ago I was taking Saoirse Medley’s newborn photos, and now she is 3 months old! Her mom and dad are being so intentional about documenting her first year of life and I just love it! It’s so fun to see how she has changed so much in such a short period of time. This girl didn’t want to smile too much but we sure did get some great shots of her tongue!

 
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I love how it looks like Saoirse is in such deep thought in this one:

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Thanks again, Deena and Patrick, for letting me capture these sweet moments in your family!